Oh, Brother!
by Aquaria Identity 07
Summary: Calvin is a big brother! His mom gives birth to a baby girl, and Calvin is out to get rid of his new sister, but little does he know, Melanie is smarter than she looks ... Chapter 3 UP!
1. Intro

**Hiya! My second C & H fanfic!! :D Yippy!! I hope you like it: haven't written for a long time. :)**

**Chapter 1: Intro**

Calvin's POV

I look up from my comic and watch as Dad paces up and down, in the family-room. Up and down, up and down, up and down …

"Dad, are you trying to make feel sick?" I say, but as usual, the man I call my father ignores me (obviously he doesn't know a fabulous person when he sees one, and I pity him for that, for I AM the fabulous Calvin!). I often wonder how he and I are related. I'm great, he's not. I'm fantastic, he's not. I'm God's greatest creation, and he's definitely not! You pretty much get the point.

Dad stops suddenly, glances at his watch, and then continues walking up-and-down. What is wrong with him? Has he gone more stupider than usual? Is he waiting for someone he hired to assassinate me because I'm too important?! Where's Mom when you need her! She'll sacrifice herself for me because I'm the best.

_Beep! Beep!_

My prayers have been answered! I recognize the sound of Mom's car anywhere (due to the fact that Hobbes and I broke into her car once in the middle of the night and pretended to be policemen: Hobbes was the driver, hooting every five seconds until my Mom unfairly dragged us to my bedroom). Dad screams, and he runs out the door like a killer T-Rex is chasing him. Ha! If only!

I find myself standing at the window, looking out as Mom is getting out the car. My gosh, she looks freaked out! Her skin has gone pale and I can see a hint of shock in her eyes. I'm actually quite worried: my mother could have been abducted by aliens! I would feel like her if that happened to me.

Dad is immediately by her side. He says something, the feeling of concern sketched on his face, and Mom doesn't respond at first, but then she nods. Hmm, Dad looks like he's gonna faint. Or sick. Or both, for that matter. What an awesome sight that would be.

For a melodramatic person, Dad quickly recovers and, putting an arm around Mom's shoulders, they walk towards the front door. Quickly I move from the window and sit back on the floor, opening up my comic on a random page, and I pretend to be innocent. The front door opens, and Mom and Dad walk in.

Is it me, or do they look … not shocked? They're smiling! They look happy!

Oh wait, never mind. They're smiling, but I can tell they're fake. Who are they trying to kid?! The president?!

"Alright, what's going on?" I ask them, my hands on my hips. "Are you trying to hide something from me?"

Mom and Dad drop their smiles (thank goodness!). Now they pretty much look normal. Can't believe I _actually _said that about _them_ … Dad makes a gesture with his hand for me to sit down on the couch. For once I obey him. I'm on the couch, and I look at my parents who stay standing in front of me. Gee whiz, this seems serious.

"Look, Calvin, your mother has something to say to you-" starts Dad, but Mom cuts him off.

"What do you mean _I_ have to tell him?! _You_ were supposed to tell him! And what's the big idea of getting to the point like that?! Don't rush things!"

"Alright, dear, calm down," says Dad, and he turns to me again. "Well, Calvin, not all things in life is planned. Y'know, like falling in love, losing your job-"

"Or getting married," Mom mutters. Dad ignores her and continues. "And sometimes even having children isn't planned, especially when one child is enough."

Is it me, or did Dad sound unhappy there?

"And everything you just mentioned has got something to with me _how_?" I ask, yawning slightly.

Dad hesitates, and then he mutters something under his breath.

"Speak up, honey," says Mom, holding his hand. Dad sighs and then says, "Calvin, your mother is going to have a baby. You're going to be a brother."

"No offense, honey, but that was pathetic," says Mom, but her voice seems so far away. Sooo far away … I can't believe it. My mom? Having a baby? How could she do this to me?! Am I not important?! Okay Calvin, calm down. Just calm down, everything's gonna be alright.

Everything's gonna be alright …

"AUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

* * *

**Chapter 1 is finished!! Hope you liked it so far. ^_^ Don't hesitate to tell me if there's any mistakes. :)**

**Reviews are welcome! :)**

**Seeya! ;)**


	2. I'm a WHAT?

**Chapter 2: I'm a WHAT?**

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're going to be a _what_?"

"You heard me! I'm gonna be a BROTHER!"

"Ohhhh," replies Hobbes. "Sorry that I didn't hear you the first time, what with your screaming and all –"

"Hobbes," I say sternly, standing in front of him with my hands on my hips, "get it through your head and let your brain – or whatever you have in place of a brain – process what I just told you now: I. Am. Going. To. Be. A. _Brother_."

I watch as Hobbes leans back in my desk chair, processing the information that I had received only minutes earlier downstairs. Thinking about it gives me the chills, and the fact that I have yet to recover from this shock makes it all the worse. I ran straight upstairs after hearing the news, screaming like a mad person, and I burst into my room, yelling at Hobbes about what I had just been told.

_My mother? Pregnant? Me? A big brother? A new sibling? A life-destroyer?_

Hobbes sits straight in the chair, and looks at me with a bewildered expression. "You? … A brother …?"

"Yes," I reply, chewing my bottom lip.

"Oh wow …" My best friend leans back in the chair again, mumbling something inaudible under his breath. A short silence follows … for about two seconds.

"Soooo, when are you going?"

"Wait, what?" I look at Hobbes, bemused. "When am I going _where_?"

Hobbes's narrows his emerald-green eyes. "You know, to the monastery."

"To the _what_?" I cry, throwing my hands in the air. "What the heck are you talking about, you orange flea-bag?"

"But _you _said you were becoming a Brother," says Hobbes, gesturing wildly. "Or a monk, or a friar, or whatever its called, it's all the same to me. To become a Brother, you have to go to a monastery –"

"Not _that _kind of brother, you imbecile!" I bellow, almost red in the face – with both exhaustion and embarrassment. "I mean, I'm gonna be an older brother – Mom's having a baby!"

Hobbes stares at me, flabbergasted. His green eyes are wide with surprise, and his mouth is pursed in the shape of an "o".

"Ohhhh …" he says again, realising what I was getting at. "Ohhhhhhh …"

"Yeah," I say, crossing my arms and frowning. "Geez, if they gave out an award for Best "Aha!" Moment, you'd be the winner."

Hobbes doesn't repond. Instead, he continues to stare at me, a mixture of confusion and – was that amusement? – sketched onto his face.

I roll my eyes. Hobbes was always the one for drama. "Well, you got anything to say?"

Hobbes shrugs his shoulders, though there is a hint of an amused smile on his face. "I guess 'congratulations' isn't what you want to hear from me …"

I just glare at him.

It is Hobbes's turn to roll his eyes. Sighing, he brings himself forward in the chair, facing me. "Alright," he says, "tell me how you found out."

With his undivided attention, I relay the whole story to Hobbes: how mild-mannered ol' me was quietly reading in the family-room when suddenly, Mom and Dad practically threw me on the couch and told me the terrible news.

"Terrible?" Hobbes repeats, narrowing his eyes. "It can't be _that _bad. Of course, you'd think your parents would have learned their lesson after having you … but I'm sure having a new brother or sister would be cool."

"Hobbes, don't joke with me," I mutter, glaring at him. "Having a new sibling would be the absolute pits!"

I begin to walk up and down the room. "It will ruin my life," I continue, "I'll tell you that now. Crying, screaming little troublemakers –"

"Are we talking about _you_, or babies in general?"

I ignore Hobbes's remark, and continue: "They take up space, they cry for everything, yet somehow people think they're the cutest things since … since … well, me, for example!"

I sit on the edge of my bed, frowning. "They take away attention, and they get what they want."

I sigh. "It'll be worse if the baby is a boy. He'll be bound to replace me."

"One Calvin is enough, thank you," Hobbes says under his breath, audibly this time.

"But," I go on, "it'll be even worse if the baby is a … ugh … _girl_. All girly and obsessed about clothes and make-up and … girly things …"

"Number one, that's a generalisation," says Hobbes, sitting next to me, "and number two, baby girls are too young to think about stuff like that."

"I meant when they're older, genius," I growl, slapping my forehead. "And you call yourself a woman expert …"

"At least I have more knowledge than you regarding the subject of women, thank you," my best friend replies, sticking his nose in the air in a snooty manner. "But seriously though, I don't know why you're stressing about the whole thing. So you're gonna be a brother, so what? It's not going to kill you or anything."

"Then let me put it this way, Hobbes, ol' pal," I start, leaning towards him with evident menace. "Supposing that _I_ decided that I should have a new friend. Another _tiger _friend, to be exact. He'd live here, watch TV with us, read comics with us. He and I would be the best of buddies …"

Hobbes stiffens. I smile without remorse.

"So tell me, Hobbes, what would _you_ do?" I ask, leaning in somewhat.

Another silence. Intently, I watch my friend, waiting for his answer.

Then, he sighs. In defeat, I notice. He looks up at me.

"Okay, what are you going to do about the new baby?"

Grinning in triumph, I thump Hobbes on the back. "The baby arrives in nine months, and that gives us a lot of time to think."

"About what?"

"What do you think? Plans to get rid of it!"

* * *

**Oh my word, I actually updated one of my C&H fics! XD Amazing!**

**Hopefully, that means I'll be able to update the other ones, "A New Beginning" and "Love, Me" quite soon.**

**In the meantime, I'm available as a beta-reader, so let me know if you need one.**

**Reviews are welcome! Also tell me if you see any mistakes.**

**Seeya! ;)**


	3. The Birth of Evil

**Chapter 3: The Birth of Evil**

**Nine months later …**

I hate hospitals, headquarters of psycho doctors and quacks alike.

And the birthplace of evil.

Babies, for example.

Namely, Mom's baby.

Specifically, the baby that's gonna ruin my life.

Undoubtedly, the baby who I've been planning to get rid of for the past nine months.

_And _hopefully, the baby who I _will _be able to get rid of.

All in due time, of course. 'Sides, maybe I can turn my new sibling into a willing slave.

"A willing slave? _Puh-leeze_," says Hobbes, rolling his emerald-green eyes. "Who in the right mind would want to serve _you_? Perish the thought!"

"Rather have someone serving _me _rather than serving a living throw-rug like _you_," I say, sticking my tongue out at him. A doctor passes by as I do so, giving me a strange look. I glare back. If I hate hospitals, I hate doctors even more: anyone in the medical profession give me the creeps.

If you haven't figured out by now, thinking me random for ranting about medical stuff, we are in a hospital.

Mom was about to give birth.

She is in the delivery room, and Dad is with her, whereas Hobbes and I are waiting ever-so-patiently outside the delivery room, sitting on the ugliest – and the most uncomfortable – orange plastic chairs; a horse-faced nurse sits with us. It feels like we've been waiting out here forever – I mean, how long does it take to pop out a (small, icky and life-ruining) baby anyway?

"It must be agony, I'm sure, to give birth," says Hobbes. His eyes glitter mischievously. "Even more so for your Mom when she had to give birth to you."

"Oh, like you know that," I snap, scowling.

"Like I know what, Calvin?" says the horse-faced nurse, smiling in a most demonic manner in my direction.

"I'm not talking to you, evil spawn," I say, crossing my arms defensively. "I am conferring with my good friend here, who is an expert in aikido, which translates into "the Way of harmonious spirit," meaning if you try to speak to us again he'll rip your evil spirit into shreds with his Claws of Fury."

"But Calvin – "

"BE GONE, Evil Spirit!"

"Calvin, calm down – "

"Cantankerous quack! Avaricious anesthesiologist! NIGHT NURSE!"

"Kid, don't make me sedate you!" screeches the horse-faced hospital Harpy, closing in on us.

"ARGH!" Hobbes and I cry, holding onto each other, "We're gonna DIE!"

But just as the Angel of Death is about to finish us off, the doors of the delivery room slam open: a middle-aged guy wearing scrubs walks out (the Head Quack, I suspect), wearing a surprised expression on his face.

"Nurse Somers, what is that infernal racket?" he thunders.

("Pooh, he's a _clichéd _Head Quack," I whisper to Hobbes.)

"Sorry, Doctor, but the boy is being a bit … excitable," the nurse replies, looking sheepish. "I tried to calm him down, but it didn't exactly work out."

"Calm me down? She tried to kill me and my best friend!" I say to the Head Quack. I shove Hobbes towards him. "Go on, Hobbes! Tell him how she attempted to extract our blood with a syringe!"

"A syringe? Seriously?" replies Hobbes, raising an eyebrow.

"You're not helping, Hobbes," I growl under my breath.

"Well, you started it."

Before I can reply to that, the Head Quack interrupts with a dismissive wave of his hand. "That's all very well," he says, "but it's not important right now. The good news is that the C-Section was successful."

He looks at me with a toothy smile. "That means, young man, your Mom gave birth to a very healthy baby. She and the baby are doing just fine. Your Dad, on the other hand, is a bit shaky, I don't know why –"

"Oh, cut the smooth talk, you sadistic surgeon!" I howl, beginning to sweat profusely; my heart is beating at a very fast rate now. Grabbing at his clothes, I say pathetically, "Give it to me straight, Doc: the baby … is it a boy, or is it a girl?"

The Head Quack looks bemused, and for that I want to curse at him senselessly, but I don't have the strength to – only enough to hear the doctor's answer.

"Sheesh, you're so dramatic," mumbles Hobbes, rolling his eyes.

"Well?" I yell at the Head Quack, ignoring my best buddy. "Boy or girl?"

The Head Quack glances at the horse-faced nurse with a raised eyebrow – she shrugs her shoulders. The man glances back at me, and he sighs.

"It's a girl. You have a _sister_, Calvin."

…

It's as if my world just got obliterated right before my very eyes.

NEVER, would I have expected the words "Calvin", "have", "sister" and "girl" in the same sentence.

EVER.

"You alright, Calvin?" I hear the Quack's voice buzzing nearby. "You've gone quite pale all of a sudden."

"Calvin?" buzzes Hobbes's voice. "You look like you're gonna faint, pal."

I don't answer him – or, at least, I don't _remember _answering him.

At that moment, all goes black.

* * *

"Calvin? Sweetie?"

"I think he's in shock – and you thought _I'd _be dramatic!"

"Hush up, dear – look, I think Calvin is coming around!"

"Honey, it would be fair to also keep your voice down as well, seeing as you already told me to – and I quote – "Hush up"."

"Who gave birth – me or you?"

"That's no excuse."

"Boy, when I recover, I'm coming after you with a dishcloth."

"I'm petrified. Really, I am."

A sigh. "And yet I love you anyway."

"Ditto." A pause. "I'm proud of you, you know."

"That's so sweet."

"Ugh, what happened to "oh look, Calvin is coming around"?" I groan, opening my eyes slowly. I find myself staring at a white ceiling, which inevitably makes my eyes ache in pain. Bit by bit, I shift into a sitting position, propping myself on my elbows. "Like, where am I? Where are the people I call parents?"

"Right here, Calvin," says Dad, who pops up beside me, scaring the living bejabbers out of me. "We're in the recovery room, where your mother, the baby and even _you_ are recuperating. You fainted not long after the birth, so the doctor booked an extra bed, too. And here you are, awaking from your fainting spell three hours later."

"I did _not _faint," I say, crossing my arms. "I _collapsed_."

"What's the difference?"

"Collapsing is _much_ manlier," I reply. Then it hit me. "Whoa! Did you say, _three hours later?_"

"Keep your voice down, son," says Dad/the Dictator of my Soul. "Yes, you were out for three hours. Mind you, apart from the hustle and bustle of hospital life, your mother threatening me and the baby screaming for the first time, it was relatively peaceful while you were out – "

"Dad, where's Hobbes?" I interrupt his ramblings.

"Right here," I hear my Mom say. I look behind Dad, and lo and behold, there is Hobbes, the stripy traitor, snuggling in the crook of my Mom's right arm; a pink bundle rests in the crook of her left arm.

My eyes widen at the sight of the bundle. "Mom, is that the _baby_?"

"Of course, Calvin," replies Mom. She looks a bit tired, but there's a funny twinkle in her eyes that I've never seen before. "The doctor said she was so healthy that I got to have some bonding time with her after she was born."

"Do you want to look at her, son?" asks Dad, helping me off the hospital bed. "She looks a lot like your mother, actually."

How depressing!

"Just keep your voice down, though," says Dad. "The baby is fast asleep."

Dad leads me over to Mom, lifting me up onto her bed, and he plucks Hobbes from Mom's grasp and hands him over to me.

"Thanks for being so thoughtless and abandoning me like that," I mutter, glaring at Hobbes.

"_I'm _not the one who fainted," Hobbes mutters back, sticking a tongue out at me.

Shaking my head at him, I turn to look at the bundle which Mom proffers up to me. I lean in more, peering inside …

"Nyagh goo?"

… and I proceed to fall off the bed with a yelp.

("Calvin 0, fainting 2," says Hobbes with a snicker.)

"Holy ragamuffins!" I exclaim, planting a hand over my overly-fast-beating heart. "What was _that_?"

"Ah, Melanie is awake," answers Dad, neglecting to help me up, but it's just as well – I would have fallen again anyway at the shock of hearing the imp's name.

"M-M-_Melanie_? You're calling the thing "_Melanie_"?" I say in horror.

"Calvin, we've been talking about potential baby names for _months_ now," answers Mom, cradling the bundle, from which vexing little noises emanated. "We agreed that if it was a girl, we'd call her Melanie. Really Calvin, you must pay attention to these things."

Maybe because I've been busy plotting and planning to rid myself of this mini misfortune, Mom.

Getting up on the bed again, I edge nearer to the bundle, mentally preparing myself for the sight of my new (ugh) sister.

Let's just say, I've never been more sickened at the sight.

She has a pink, wrinkly face – in fact, she's pink and wrinkly all over. A small button nose and a wet little mouth; closed eyelids with a dark hue; a patch of fuzzy, dark hair, and tiny, sticky-looking fingers.

Yup, she definitely looks like Mom, alright. She has Mom's "morning" look down-pat.

"Prrry ngh," the thing mutters in baby-language.

Heh, sounds like Mom in the morning, too.

"Isn't she cute?" says Mom and Dad together, practically gushing over nothing.

"Frankly, I don't see anything cute about baby drivel," I say to Hobbes as my parents make googly-eyes at (double ugh) Melanie.

"It's not so much what Melanie spews – it's _how_ she says it," Hobbes replies, smiling. He has a funny twinkle in his eyes, too.

"Hey, whose side are you on?" I hiss under my breath. "This baby – this _girl _– is gonna ruin our lives if we don't put our plans into action soon!"

"Well, when do you plan to, you know, initiate our plans?" asks Hobbes quietly as we stare (well, _glare_ in my case) at the baby.

"Not just yet," I reply. "I want to study this baby before I do anything. Her weaknesses, her character, her goals – anything to make getting rid of her easier."

"That'll take a while," says Hobbes, raising his eyebrows. "After all, she's still just a baby."

"You know what they say, dynamite comes in small packages," I answer, glaring daggers at the baby, "and believe me, I intend to _blow her up_."

Oh Melanie, just wait until you see what Big Brother has planned just for you! Enjoy the day of your birth, 'cause I get the feeling you won't be celebrating any more birthdays in the future …

* * *

**For two weeks, I've been on a Van Helsing high – just saying. ^-^ It might explain why Calvin is all exorcist/hunter-like.**

**I'm kinda glad how this chapter came out. Makes me wonder what'll happen next. You may be wondering why I chose the name Melanie for Calvin's new sister – it's very simple: remember that one C&H comic strip where Calvin writes a letter to Santa Claus posing as his "little brother, Melvin"? Of course, because the baby is a girl (which would be more fun for good ol' girl-hating Calvin), Melanie was a close enough name, 'specially to Melvin. ;)**

**Thanks for the faves and reviews! Keep 'em coming!**

**Happy holidays! ;)**


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